From My Fingertips

It's been awhile huh?  Only 5 post this year.  Pathetic.

Writing used to come so easy to me.  I would sit down at the keyboard, and wonderful words would just flow through my fingers.  Obviously that doesn't happen anymore.

I doubt anybody even reads this blog anymore.  I don't blame them.  There has not been very many updates on the boys and me, and the blogs that I did write this year, seem to be one big pity party.

I certainly hope that one day I can find the kind of happiness that allows me to once again want to express my thoughts and feelings in prose form.  In the meantime, I will update when I can.

If anyone is still reading this blog, thanks for checking in.  I appreciate the thought.

I leave you with a new picture of my boys.  They are my life, and I love them dearly.

William

It's All About The Boys

Aidan and Christopher are still in Tennessee with their mom, and I miss them more than any of you can imagine. Life is just not very much fun when they are not here. I decided to post of few pictures to help cheer me up. Here you go:

The one above is my favorite.  My dog and my boys!  All are beautiful and healthy. 

Don't grow up too fast.....OK?

William

It's Nice To Be Excited!

Once again, it's that time of year. You know....come on you know......BEACH TIME! Yep, heading down to Galveston with the boys tonight, and I can't wait to see my friends, and play with the boys in the ocean. It's going to be fun.

I believe this will be the 10 year anniversary of our traveling down for Memorial Weekend. It started with Lori and Aidan and me so long ago, and now it's up to me and Aidan and Christopher to carry on the tradition. As always, Lori will be missed, but we will still have a blast.

I'm sure its only going to be a couple of more years before Aidan decides he is too cool to hang with pops, so I better make the most of our time while we are there. I've still got many years left of frolicking on the beach with Christopher though.....Woo Hoo!

I'll have great pics when we return.

Maholo

Intertwining Of Life

As I look back on my life, I have too many regrets to count. Missed opportunities drift like dandelions on a windy spring day. Tangents forever capped by forgotten decisions.

I'll be 50 years old at the end of the year. I'll reach that milestone just as lost and just as confused now, as I was 20 years ago. Oh don't get me wrong, I am definitely smarter and wiser than I've ever been, but my hopes and dreams have been altered so profoundly, I find myself on a route that I would never have chosen for myself. It's a train that seems to be speeding forward, and I can't seem jump off or alter the path.

I know that I have to try to turn my life around. If I don't, I will certainly not make it to 60. The thought of living only 10 more years or less, makes me distressingly sad.

I want to see my boys grow up. I want to see them fall in love for the first time. I want to see them succeed in whatever they choose to do with their lives. I want to see them marry, and I want to do what my dad never got to do.........I want to hold my grand children in my arms, and tell them I love them.

I am currently in the worst shape of my life. Wallowing in self pity seems to be very fattening. Who knew? My job is more stressful than any I have had in my life, and the 3 hours I spend on the road commuting to and from work, is sucking the life out of me, one bumper to bumper mile at a time. Tic Toc.

They say that the world is what you make of it, but I have found differently. The world is just a backdrop for the intertwining of life. Too many external factors seem to have a say on direction, and too much time is spent on the convalescence of being.

I need to make changes, and only hope that I am strong enough to conquer my own stubbornness.

Wish me luck.

William

PS. The next update will have a much more jovial tone, and pictures of the boys are guaranteed.

What might have been

17............

Ruined

I stopped at a gas station the other day to fill up my truck. Gas stations seem like my home away from home nowadays. Between driving 90+ miles round trip to the my office each day, and making frequent trips to the job sites I am now running, I spend far too much time seeking a new home away from home every 2 to 3 days.

On this particular day, I was parked on the far end of the station. Pump number 1 as it would have it. As I was getting out of my truck, a new Infiniti SUV pulled up to the same pump, but on the opposite side.

As I began to pump my gas, a man in his mid to late 40's got out of the drivers seat. As he was getting ready to pump his gas, I could hear him carrying on a conversation with a pretty woman sitting in the passenger's seat. I didn't pay particular attention to what they were discussing, but what caught my attention on this day, was how they were referring to each other.

Now, I have told many stories on this blog about my ex wife Lori, and the wonderful times we shared while we were married. Most were fun and cheerful, others.....especially during the divorce, much more cynical and raw. Regardless, writing always seemed to help me with some type of release.

I guess that is why I am on here tonight. Looking for some type of therapy. You see, last month marked a sorrowful anniversary for me. As of last month, Lori and I have been officially divorced for 1 full year. Hard to believe. I have done my very best to move on with my life. I have succeeded in some areas, and failed miserably in others. I still find myself far too fragile for my liking.

On that note, let me get back to my story. As I was hearing bits and pieces of this couple's conversation, I distinctly heard the man asking his wife a question. The question itself was of no importance, but his use of the word "mom" almost brought me to tears.

When dealing with Aidan and Christopher, I always refer to Lori as "your mom", but there was a time when "mom" was how I always addressed Lori. Hearing this man referring to what I could only guess was his wife as "mom" brought back so many great memories, and such profound sadness at the same time. It was everything I could do not to lose it right then and there.

How long will little things like that have such a hold on me. One part of me wishes it would last until my dying day, while another hopes for indifference. Who knows.

As I finished and turned to get in my truck, a pretty voice called out to her husband "hey dad, can you go in and get me a diet coke when you're done?" Mer.....that used to be me.............

I still think the world is unfair.


William