Splash Country is like almost any other mainstream water park, with various slides, wave pools, lazy rivers, and splash areas. One thing that sets Dollywood's park apart is the fact that it is built on two tiers. There is an upper tier consisting of 2/3rds of the attractions, and a lower tier that is roughly 150-200 feet below the upper tier that contains the remaining attractions.
Well, it seems that one day while they were going over the plans for the park, some genius decided that it would be fun to build a 60 ft tower on the edge of the first tier, and construct a water slide that not only dropped the length of the tower, but keep right on going all the way to the bottom of the second tier. One straight shot, with no twist or turns.
This was not what I wanted to see, and I figured that Aidan would avoid this particular ride at all cost. I figured wrong, and as soon as he saw it, he was pulling both Lori and Me towards it with frightening ease. "What the hell"? I thought to myself, "surely he doesn't intend to ride that humongous thing". "Come on Dad, it will be fun" Aidan said. Fun? Fun? Ummmm......falling 20 stories on my backside is not my idea of fun. As a matter of fact, just climbing and standing on the top of a 60 foot tower ranks right up there with stubbing my big toe on the ol' fun-o-meter. "Are you too scared"? Wait....wait...Did my 5 year old son just ask his dad if he was "too scared" to do something that said 5 year old was willing to do? For some insane reason, the first words out of my mouth were "of course not, let's go". Oh Crap!
As we approached, I saw that the SLIDE OF DEATH had a height requirement. Oh yeah.....WHEW!......saved I thought.....until....wait, does that say 48"? Crap, Aidan is right at 48". Sure enough, we measured him at the base of the staircase, and the bar was touching his hair. "I made it dad" Aidan yelled "oh yeah"! Oh yeah indeed.
We started our journey up the spiraling stairs, and the whole way up all I could think about was how stupid I was for agreeing to accompany Lori and Aidan up this death tower. I hate heights. I have always hated heights. 60 ft towers are high. What was I thinking? With the slow moving line and the hoards of people, it took about 20 minutes of rail gripping terror to finally make it to the top. Once there, to my surprise and dismay, Aidan did not chicken out, and he was ready to go. Damn it!!
The tower is actually built with dual slides next to each other. They are separated by approximately 6 feet. The plan was for me and Aidan to go down each of the slides at the same time where Aidan would be there at the bottom to flag down the EMT's in order to restart my heart. No, not really, but that is exactly what I was thinking at the time. As we slowly made our way across the platform of terror, the executioner (actually the girl who worked there) stopped Aidan and told him that she would have to measure him. She did, and according to her chart, he was 1/4 inch too short for the ride and would not be allowed to slide down. Aidan was devastated, and began to cry. He and Lori would now have to make their way down the 20 flights of stairs, all the while pushing their way past the throngs of people waiting in line. Now I do not know if it was because the heat was getting to me, or if I simply did not want my son to think that I was a scared-y cat, or if I just did not want to walk past all those people, but for some insane reason, I completely lost my mind and decided to go ahead with the execution...err I mean ride.
I made my way to the slide and took a seat. Once you are sitting, a bit of the fear subsides because the ride creates a wall of water in front of you, and you cannot see anything. I assume they create this sight blocking wall of water to keep all but the truly deranged from standing back up and walking back down once they see the death plunge they are about to take. Even so, my heart was still racing. If you have ever watched the Luge event in the winter Olympics, that should give you an idea of what you are "supposed to" do. As you sit, you have a handle on each side of you to grab. You are "supposed to" use those handles to give yourself a little momentum to clear the edge. "Supposed to"...is the key word...and as it turns out, important in this instance.
The Grim Reaper walked over and told me to keep my arms crossed over my chest and my legs crossed at the ankles the whole way down, and then she screams GO. With that GO, you are supposed to give yourself that little push that I mentioned earlier and off you go. Well...not me....oh no......my adrenaline was pumping and I gave myself one big heave.
OH SHhhhhhhhh.........Whooooooaaaaa.....Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.......in that very instant I realized why you are supposed to ease yourself over the edge.....for I was suddenly free falling, and I could not feel anything but air between me and the slide. "Surely this is not designed this way" I thought. Well needless to say, the leg crossing plan suddenly and abruptly ended, and I looked like a large screaming upside down letter Y going down that slide. My rear finally touched the slide about 20 feet after I went over the edge, and then I started picking up serious speed. At that moment I realized there was a specific reason why they wanted me to keep my legs crossed. My flailing legs were now acting like a funnel, and all of the water on that 300+ foot slide was being force fed into my mouth, and up my nostrils and into my eyelids. Looking back, it was probably good that I was swallowing so much water, because the water going down my throat was the only thing that was preventing my son from hearing his father scream like a second grade school girl. "Please let it end" was all I could think about with the exception of "Please don't drown". After what seemed like an eternity, I finally came to a stop and let me tell you I could not get off that death trap fast enough.
I waited (still shaking with fright) at the bottom for Lori and Aidan to join me. By the time they had walked the stairs down, Aidan has stopped crying and was now just disappointed. I informed him of my terror, and told him to thank his lucky stars for that 1/4 inch, for it probably saved him some permanent scarring. I on the other hand now have a memory that will unfortunately remain frighteningly fresh for a long, long time.
William
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